They think they know me....

Family, friends, co-worker, and people at church all think they know me. They think I am this happy outgoing person, but that isn't me. That is what I let them see. I don't talk about any of my problems because I grew up with the idea to put on a "face" for the rest of the world and never show your weakness. Sometimes I wonder what people would think if they ever knew the real me. I have distanced my self so much that I don't really have any close friends anymore. I don't go shopping or to lunch with the girls. If I go shopping it's with my family, my mother, or alone. This fact bothers my husband. He is always telling me to get out and make friends. The person I was "bffs" with passed away and I just never felt the need to get that close to anyone. I have let my guard down in the past to several other women. I let them into my bubble and let them know the real me. Only to find out they were still in high school frame of mind. By that the were two faced and catty. I was NOT raised to act this way. I was raised to be there for people when they need you, help them in whatever way you can, and NEVER gossip and tells others business. Sadly this is not how everyone was raised. Some people never left the "mean girl" state of mind behind. So now I would truly rather have acquaintances and a few people I would consider a friend in my life. However I keep my walls firmly in place. I've been with my husband for 18 years so I do consider him my best friend and that is all I need. Not really sure why this is so hard for him to understand. I mean why would I want to invite catty messy people in my life who bring extra drama. Seriously I don't spread my drama (aka kid problems) around the world, and I don't want to have to deal with anyone else's drama on top of what I already have on my plate. This is definitely not a burden I wish to share. Yes I know I am writing on a blog where anyone in the world can read it, but it my heart of hearts I know this is just for me. I mean get real who the heck would want to read about all my crap and enter feelings?  God knows I don't have any life life altering advice to give anyone. I guess people could bond with like minds of inner turmoil. I am not naive and I do know that many other people have to deal with the same things and worse. I'm sure several people out there say, "This is NOT what parenthood is suppose to be!" I dreamed of a life full of "fluff" and what I got was "fluff" mixed with huge boulders that randomly drop out of the sky.  Still I am blessed with what God has given me. I just need to find a better way to navigate this crazy that is my life, and continue to pray God helps hold me up as me wing is broken and I can't fly on my own anymore.