When did I birth to Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde?

Over the last month I've been trying to figure out when I gave birth to Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Seriously do you ever look at your child and ask what the hell happened to my baby?!?!? I'm sure I can't be the only person to think this. Over the last month I've taken him to see his doctor who is suppose to be a behavioral specialist for adolescents. Guess what the doctor visit didn't really help. I left more frustrated than when we walked in. When I told the doctor about my child hitting himself and how worried I was he said "So what? He hits himself.... so what?" I'm sure at this statement my jaw hit the floor. As a mother I can't fathom how the heck this can be okay. I mean REALLY. Just let my child hit himself and bring himself pain. Yep as this thought processed all I could think about is me trying to explain my great doctors view to C.P.S. and some how I don't think this would go over well. However I continued to listen to what he had to say. I mean he did go to college for all of this. Who am I after all? It's not like I have professional background on this topic. I am only a mother at the end of my rope and a very emotional one at that. So basically the great doctor said that we should add another low does medication to help him out, and if he hurts himself let him. The way he looked at it is that he isn't hurting anyone but himself and if I don't react he will stop. Well it's been 3 weeks since we went to the doctor and things were going okay but like normal everything went back to normal. Enter Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. It was so nice until the bell rang and the fighting was back. I am very grateful for the peaceful and and fun loving days. For anyone who says, "Well what changed?" I have no idea trust me I thought about it and everything stayed the same except him. Actually we were able to do more and have family fun since everyone was getting along, school work was being done with no trouble, and we enjoyed rewarding the good behavior. We were all talking when I asked if he had started his homework yet. Such a simple question but it flipped a switch in him in that I'll never understand. He snapped at me, started telling my daughter how ugly and stupid she was (please note my little girl has speech apraxia so this cut deep). Sadly he didn't stop at the two of us. He then started yelling at my mother. When I tried to correct him about the way he was speaking to us he really went crazy. He started shoving me so I told him he needed to go to his room until he could calm down. Ding Round Two. In the second round he decided to yell more, tell me how much he hates me and wishes I wasn't his mother, point out all the ways life with me, my husband, and his sister was worse than death. However I do have to say since I had a break from all of this I was able to remain calm and unaffected. So much so that when he started hitting himself I didn't respond at all. I know it was really hurting him but I just couldn't afford to react on the slim chance the doctor was right. Guess what he stopped. He stopped and started to tell me how bad his head hurt. I almost laughed. I mean really he just got done hitting himself in the head and then wonders why his head hurts. SMH  Next thing I knew the switch was flipped again and all of a sudden he was sorry and he loved me and I was the best mom in the world. Being a mother to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a very exhausting job. I decided that he might do good with some counseling. I prayed on it and thought about which route to go with it. Crisis counseling or counseling via our Pastor. God willing this helps us. Maybe we can at least find out what is going on with him.  

They think they know me....

Family, friends, co-worker, and people at church all think they know me. They think I am this happy outgoing person, but that isn't me. That is what I let them see. I don't talk about any of my problems because I grew up with the idea to put on a "face" for the rest of the world and never show your weakness. Sometimes I wonder what people would think if they ever knew the real me. I have distanced my self so much that I don't really have any close friends anymore. I don't go shopping or to lunch with the girls. If I go shopping it's with my family, my mother, or alone. This fact bothers my husband. He is always telling me to get out and make friends. The person I was "bffs" with passed away and I just never felt the need to get that close to anyone. I have let my guard down in the past to several other women. I let them into my bubble and let them know the real me. Only to find out they were still in high school frame of mind. By that the were two faced and catty. I was NOT raised to act this way. I was raised to be there for people when they need you, help them in whatever way you can, and NEVER gossip and tells others business. Sadly this is not how everyone was raised. Some people never left the "mean girl" state of mind behind. So now I would truly rather have acquaintances and a few people I would consider a friend in my life. However I keep my walls firmly in place. I've been with my husband for 18 years so I do consider him my best friend and that is all I need. Not really sure why this is so hard for him to understand. I mean why would I want to invite catty messy people in my life who bring extra drama. Seriously I don't spread my drama (aka kid problems) around the world, and I don't want to have to deal with anyone else's drama on top of what I already have on my plate. This is definitely not a burden I wish to share. Yes I know I am writing on a blog where anyone in the world can read it, but it my heart of hearts I know this is just for me. I mean get real who the heck would want to read about all my crap and enter feelings?  God knows I don't have any life life altering advice to give anyone. I guess people could bond with like minds of inner turmoil. I am not naive and I do know that many other people have to deal with the same things and worse. I'm sure several people out there say, "This is NOT what parenthood is suppose to be!" I dreamed of a life full of "fluff" and what I got was "fluff" mixed with huge boulders that randomly drop out of the sky.  Still I am blessed with what God has given me. I just need to find a better way to navigate this crazy that is my life, and continue to pray God helps hold me up as me wing is broken and I can't fly on my own anymore. 

Feeling Lost

I guess sometimes in life as a parent we all feel or will feel lost. Sometimes I don't really know which way is up or down anymore. It seems that I can take 3 steps forward and then get knocked 10 steps back. On the outside I may look happy and like everything is okay but on the inside I am broken. Broken in ways I'm not even sure I can explain. This is not what I thought my life was going to be like. This is not what I thought motherhood would be. So now I am lost and feel alone with nobody to talk to because I don't know what or how to say the things I feel. I feel as if I say this all out loud it will somehow make me a horrible person even though I know deep down inside somewhere in the world others feel the same way. Having a child with a mental illness is very challenging. I feel like a complete failure on all accounts even though this was nothing I could prevent. At least that is what I am told. When I've tried to talk to my mother about the issues it's just ended up in an argument. She keeps telling me that "we" need to do something more and "we" need to find him more help. However "we" isn't her and me it's just really me. Like I haven't already done everything in my power to help my child. At least that is how I feel. I feel like my parenting is being attacked and like she doesn't think I am trying or doing it right. So I sit up all hours of the night worried about the events of the day and wonder what I could have done better. I do research on the internet and look through parental books. Guess what none of those things have really given me any answers. If nothing it has made me understand I am not the only lost mother with a huge sense of hopelessness. So now what? Who can I talk to now? You can talk to friends about this because they don't understand. I feel like I have to be careful of any professionals I speak with because I don't want to have my child taken away from me. So I sit in my empty shell and try to figure a way out. Things don't get better that way. I don't want to talk to the church pastor as I don't want others to view him or judge him. You see I love my child more than anything even though he doesn't see it that way and I don't want to lose him. I fear for him and my family at this point. His anger and aggression just keeps getting worse. He has started talking about wanting to die and wishing someone would just kill him. He would rather be dead than be with me. Yeah talk about a blow to the heart. Am I that bad or is just him lashing out? He talks about beating his sister because he is mad at me and it will be my fault when he does it. I'm afraid of my own child. I'm afraid he will really hurt one of us or himself. Some days are good with him and I can't even fully enjoy those few moments because I never know what is going to set him off next. Sometimes I want to run away from it all. Does this make me a horrible mother? It must because any normal mother shouldn't feel this way right? My son hits and shoves me when he is angry and when I try to stop him from hurting me anymore or himself by restraining him he threatens to call the cops on me for abuse.  Which in a way make me want to laugh because the entire time I am restraining him I am telling him to calm down and I love him and I don't want him to die. Sometimes I have to sit on the floor with my arms and legs wrapped around him for an hour before he calms down enough where he stops trying to pull all his hair out of his head, slam his head into the wall, or stops hitting me. Then like a switch has just been flipped he is full of smiles and I love you and hugs. My mind and heart just can't seem to keep up with his increasing mood swings. Sometimes just to make it through all the hurtful things he says and does I have to turn off and when he hugs me it just feels so cold. This isn't motherhood. This isn't what it is supposed to be like.  What am I supposed to do now? I've tried to take him to see a professional but it cost $300 a week. We don't have the money for this. You would think it would be more affordable to help children like him. You would think that the world would feel the benefit of taking care of mentally ill children early on so they don't become abusive and murdering adults. Instead we as parents have to either go bankrupt trying to pay for all the meds and doctors’ visits or deal with it on our own. So here I am blind and helpless and emotionally numb. This isn't how life should be lived. I love my child more than he will ever know but sometimes I just want to run away. I want a break from all of it. I want to through my hands up in the air and raise my white flag because I don't think I can do anymore or go through this anymore. Yep at this point I am sure I must be a bad mother. Right?  Who knows? God knows I am clueless as can be and lost more than I've ever been.