Feeling Lost

I guess sometimes in life as a parent we all feel or will feel lost. Sometimes I don't really know which way is up or down anymore. It seems that I can take 3 steps forward and then get knocked 10 steps back. On the outside I may look happy and like everything is okay but on the inside I am broken. Broken in ways I'm not even sure I can explain. This is not what I thought my life was going to be like. This is not what I thought motherhood would be. So now I am lost and feel alone with nobody to talk to because I don't know what or how to say the things I feel. I feel as if I say this all out loud it will somehow make me a horrible person even though I know deep down inside somewhere in the world others feel the same way. Having a child with a mental illness is very challenging. I feel like a complete failure on all accounts even though this was nothing I could prevent. At least that is what I am told. When I've tried to talk to my mother about the issues it's just ended up in an argument. She keeps telling me that "we" need to do something more and "we" need to find him more help. However "we" isn't her and me it's just really me. Like I haven't already done everything in my power to help my child. At least that is how I feel. I feel like my parenting is being attacked and like she doesn't think I am trying or doing it right. So I sit up all hours of the night worried about the events of the day and wonder what I could have done better. I do research on the internet and look through parental books. Guess what none of those things have really given me any answers. If nothing it has made me understand I am not the only lost mother with a huge sense of hopelessness. So now what? Who can I talk to now? You can talk to friends about this because they don't understand. I feel like I have to be careful of any professionals I speak with because I don't want to have my child taken away from me. So I sit in my empty shell and try to figure a way out. Things don't get better that way. I don't want to talk to the church pastor as I don't want others to view him or judge him. You see I love my child more than anything even though he doesn't see it that way and I don't want to lose him. I fear for him and my family at this point. His anger and aggression just keeps getting worse. He has started talking about wanting to die and wishing someone would just kill him. He would rather be dead than be with me. Yeah talk about a blow to the heart. Am I that bad or is just him lashing out? He talks about beating his sister because he is mad at me and it will be my fault when he does it. I'm afraid of my own child. I'm afraid he will really hurt one of us or himself. Some days are good with him and I can't even fully enjoy those few moments because I never know what is going to set him off next. Sometimes I want to run away from it all. Does this make me a horrible mother? It must because any normal mother shouldn't feel this way right? My son hits and shoves me when he is angry and when I try to stop him from hurting me anymore or himself by restraining him he threatens to call the cops on me for abuse.  Which in a way make me want to laugh because the entire time I am restraining him I am telling him to calm down and I love him and I don't want him to die. Sometimes I have to sit on the floor with my arms and legs wrapped around him for an hour before he calms down enough where he stops trying to pull all his hair out of his head, slam his head into the wall, or stops hitting me. Then like a switch has just been flipped he is full of smiles and I love you and hugs. My mind and heart just can't seem to keep up with his increasing mood swings. Sometimes just to make it through all the hurtful things he says and does I have to turn off and when he hugs me it just feels so cold. This isn't motherhood. This isn't what it is supposed to be like.  What am I supposed to do now? I've tried to take him to see a professional but it cost $300 a week. We don't have the money for this. You would think it would be more affordable to help children like him. You would think that the world would feel the benefit of taking care of mentally ill children early on so they don't become abusive and murdering adults. Instead we as parents have to either go bankrupt trying to pay for all the meds and doctors’ visits or deal with it on our own. So here I am blind and helpless and emotionally numb. This isn't how life should be lived. I love my child more than he will ever know but sometimes I just want to run away. I want a break from all of it. I want to through my hands up in the air and raise my white flag because I don't think I can do anymore or go through this anymore. Yep at this point I am sure I must be a bad mother. Right?  Who knows? God knows I am clueless as can be and lost more than I've ever been.